Apr 2nd 2023, 10:34:42
(The following is based on true events)
It was a calm Friday afternoon in the month of March. The birds were returning, the weather was warming, and the season change for La Familia seemed to be going swimmingly. It had been a hard winter for The Family, but they stuck together and dealt with the blizzards known as the Evil Empire as best they could. The Family didn't particularly like dealing with blizzards, but you can't always control the weather. If it were up to the family, it would be summertime, all the time. Crops would be growing, money would be made, and the grounds would be brown, not white.
But The Family wasn't fortunate enough to have full time summer. In fact, winter had not only come, but was rumored to come again, and again, and again. The Family had been told about this never ending winter. And although they were not happy about it, they showed great resolve in the face of misery. The leaders of the family (Gerdler, Gains, the letter S, and others) put out calls to other family members who had since left the village, and asked them to return, to help with the snow. So, like the loyal and committed members of the family they were, one by one, people came home. Tron and Locke came home together, rumors were that they had started a beet farm in the west somewhere. Penguin came back next, holding a snow shovel and wearing a polar bear head/face. Apparently, he had developed a hatred for those white monstrosities. One by one, family members came home to help the village.
So, the snow came, and the family got to work, digging tunnels to move freely. Using heaters to melt the snow. Drinking it for survival! They were doing well, keeping the snow from burying them, but it was difficult on their own. Luckily the family had good relations with a nearby village known as Stones. This village was a small village, and it was oddly comprised of only older gentlemen. Initially The family was worried about how the Stones village would handle the snow, but they soon learned that those old guys had seen lots of winters, and they had an incredible work ethic. Night after night, seemingly at the same exact time every night, villagers from Stones would come outside, put in an hour of work, and go back inside to go to sleep. It was an odd, but effective technique for dealing with the snow. And it did help the family a great deal.
As the winter began to fade, the family and the stones village began to relax a little bit. Snow was still coming, but the snow flakes were light and fluffy, not dangerous. Typically, the family and stones just made snow angels and snow sculptures when they wanted to relax. The snow sculptures were fun, as they were creative recreations of some of the days during the winter that they had named. You see, The family named rough storm days like others name hurricanes. These names were odd, though. Some of them were things like 'yoyoyo' or 'protect my tree'. While others seemed to follow a theme. No one knows for sure who was responsible for naming these storms. Was it the family or stones who gave each storm a moniker? Some say that the storms all howled unique tunes, and you could hear words in the wind. These words were often the names given to some of the storms. What was particularly troubling was that there were hundreds of snow sculptures named after alcohol. Tequilla, Molson XXX, Schneider Weisse, Budweiser, and many more. Either the family had a drinking problem, or the storms had a drinking problem, it seemed alcoholism was an issue somewhere.
On this calm Friday afternoon, everything changed forever. Suddenly, the storm stopped. There had been days, and times, when the storm faded. But it completely stopped on this day. As if the weather had been paused. There was no snow. There was no wind. There wasn't even any sunshine. It was as if the rays had been frozen in place. The family and stones walked outside and attempted to interact with the world around them, but physics seemed to breakdown on this day. They would touch a pile of snow, and it would disappear. They would move their arms through the air, and they were able to physically move the rays of sun. It was if the whole world was bugged, or glitched. Nobody knew what happened, or if the world would ever return to normal again.
Simultaneously, in a far corner of the world, something nefarious was happening. Or had already happened, nobody can be sure of the exact timing of these events. It is rumored that all of the weather for the world comes from one location. A location known as Survival of the Mercenaries Liberty(SotML). It was a strange location name, to be sure, but that is what it was called. This location was the source of the blizzards that had plagued the villages of the family's and stones. In typical seasons, this location spreads weather to all parts of the planet, and it's fueled by natural world weather patterns that are predictable and calm. But this season it was far more intense, and it seemed to spawn all of it's weather in only one direction, west, towards the villages of this story. On this calm Friday afternoon, if you were able to catch a birds eye view of the area known as SotML, you would notice that the energy being fed into the storms was dissipating. The storms were becoming weaker and weaker each passing day, good news for the villages to the west. But on this day, something awful happened. A boat from the East arrived at SotML. A humongous boat. A pristine boat. A beautiful boat. The captain was dressed in gold. All the shipmates wore beautiful armor and were adorned with jewels the likes of which many have never seen. As the boat arrived in SotML, you could see the name written on the back. It was a short, but powerful name. EVO. What a beautiful name for such a beautiful ship. The ship may have been beautiful, and the passengers more lovely than super models, but their intentions this day were pure evil. As the ship docked, the crew of EVO started unloading containers. One by one, you could see the crew of EVO step off the ship carrying these containers. Tmac, the captain, stepped off first. Followed by AndrewMose, then Freak Kingdom, Mount Olympus, it was truly a Beautiful Evil. Three crew mates stayed aboard the ship this day. Duff was seen fixing his hair in the mirror, golden locks flying in every direction. Worstseteva was in the corner of the ship and appeared to be journaling, and Needle in a Hempstack was sewing another beautiful uniform.
The land-bound crew of EVO continued to work all afternoon, bringing container after container onto the land. They opened the containers and poured them into a hole in the middle of SotML. And in an instant, the world came alive again. The sun rays moved, the snow flew about, the wind howled once more. But the intensity of the weather had increased significantly from earlier in the day. It's as if the crew of Evo had fueled these storms.
Evo got onto their ships and sailed back east. According to travel itineraries that have washed ashore, it appears Evo continued to visit SotML many more times, bringing large amounts of fuel as their cargo.
This story is not about this weird Friday afternoon, however. This story is about a heroic Saturday evening.
The water-proof parchments that had washed ashore eventually made their way to the families village. Nobody knows for sure how it got there. It may have been brought by traveling vagabonds known as Justice League, it may have been blown in by the wind, or it may have been brought in from a family member who had gone out on reconnaissance missions. Nevertheless, it did arrive. And the family started to piece together the puzzle. Why was this winter so long? Why did its intensity wain, and then pick up in ferocity again. They could shovel for days and days, but the snow kept coming. The family came up with an idea. They would send a small contingent of their forces on a dangerous mission. A mission to find the source of the fuel for the storms and destroy it.
The plans had been tailored for weeks. It is rumored that leadership from the family even sent letters to the EVO ship with hopes of purchasing the fuel themselves (and inevitably storing it away somewhere safe), rather than allowing the EVO ship to continue to fuel this awful winter storm. EVO did not respond to communication attempts, however. It is unknown if EVO has anyone that can read. They are a beautiful people, but they appear to be illiterate and dumb.
Thus, the family moved forward with their plans, their tragic, but necessary plans.
As Saturday rolled into Sunday, many from the family had boarded a ship of their own and set sail east. They bypassed SoTML, and continued east, until they spotted the ship known as EVO. Under the cover of night, they snuck up to the ships broad side. This ship was FAR bigger than their own, and they had no chance of sinking this ship. They also wanted to be fair, and not hurt the individuals who had refrained from actually unloading the fuel. The journaler, sewer, and the hair stylist. Instead of engaging in ship-to-ship combat, they would board the ship of EVO, silently, and execute a strike that will be written about in the history books.
The first target was Mount Olympus, a HUGE man. This beautiful giant was going to be difficult to deal with, so the entirety of the family focused their attention on him. They surrounded him, and all at once unleashed a deadly array of thrusts with their swords. Down went the giant. As they pulled their swords out from the various parts of his body, the recoil of the swords swung behind them, and into another man. Tmac had accidentally wandered into the sneak attack that was underway. Within 7 seconds of Mount Olympus falling, Tmac also laid dead on the ground. The Family stopped, for a moment, and considered what had happened. Tmac, the leader of Evo, was certainly a target, but they had no intention of killing him with the backswings of their swords. How does that even happen?!? Normally removing a sword from another human wouldn't cause a recoil like a gun, but due to Mount Olympus's size, they had to really pull to get the blades out of his torso. It's fortunate only Tmac was behind them, and not an innocent soul.
Nevertheless, in mere seconds, Mount Olympus and Tmac had fallen. Next was Andrew Mose. After taking a few moments to compose themselves, and to stifle the laughter at the absurdity that had just occurred, the family snuck toward Mose. EVO, for as beautiful as they were, were also vapid. They wore beautiful armor, but it looked as though it had never seen battle. They sheathed beautiful swords, but it looked as though they had never been drawn. They never even saw the attacks from the family coming, as they had no guards, no lookouts, no alert systems of any kind. They simply existed in a beautiful state, on this beautiful ship. And just 10 minutes after Tmac and Olympus fell, Mose was also a bloody corpse.
The family continued. Murdering those that had fueled the awful winter. They moved with passion and energy. They whooped and hollered as they kicked over statues and pissed on food. Over the course of just 22 minutes, they had decimated this Beautiful Evil known as EVO. The journaler, seamstress, and the one looking at himself in the mirror were left unharmed. In fact, those three were so preoccupied with their activities, they didn't appear to even be aware of the events that had unfolded aboard their ship this night.
The family got back in their ships and hurried home. They celebrated this night, as they believed they may have hindered the storms ability to continue to persist. However, they knew that in this world, reincarnation occurred. And it was likely the crew of EVO would be re-born. What they would do in their new lives was yet to be seen. Many in this world would hope that the crew of EVO would go back to fishing and being beautiful. But if they were to continue feeding fuel into this awful storm, it is likely that the family, and others, would have to seek out the ship of EVO, and once again, slaughter it's inhabitants.
