TOO FUNNY NOT TO SHARE!!! ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Got my bag in the mail 3 days ago. I was looking for a Duck Tails DVD for my three year old son and stumbled across this childhood favorite of mine. Immediately I added it to the order and couldn't wait to get them.
Constantly clicking "refresh" on my tracking number it finally came after 2 days of gleeful anticipation. I felt like I was a kid on christmas all over again!
After 30 minutes of nostalgic Duck Tales and gummies with my toddler son, we went out back to play. I was in heaven! Life just couldn't get any better. Truer words have never been spoken. In fact life turned from heaven to a macabre of unspeakable h*ll and horror. About 7 rounds into a game of beer fueled lawn darts (another ole time family fav) a look of panic and confusion tore onto my son's face. But in that same instant it hit me too and I knew. For the over indulgence of gummy heaven had turned to a h*ll on earth of biblical proportions.
Parental instincts kick in. All you want to do is reach your child and comfort them. No matter the price. I sprint across the lawn dodging lawn darts and scoop up my bawling son, who's crying "why? daddy why?". I feel the liquified poo running down my arms, but as the parent you don't care. Because it's your child. And Pappa Bear instincts kick in.
We ran to the sliding glass door. But in a moment, I'm stopped dead in my tracks. It was like in GhostBusters when the Evil Environmental representative Mr. Peck was douched from above by the falling remains of the liquified Stay Pufft Marshmellow Man. It all happened in agonizing slow motion. A waterfall of excrement streaming from my backside. Literally p*ssing s*** everywhere. We couldn't go into the house like this! I needed a solution.
Then it hit me, like the wave of doom tearing my *ss out. I could try to time the waves and run inside to grab trash bags. After one more backside vomit, I clenched the cheeks shut and ran into the house. Little did I know the Double Matinee of horror was only half over.
The stench hit me first. Then the unbelievable reality. It's was so bad the mind cannot comprehend. What was this? What was happening? What was I seeing? An 80lb Chocolate Lab, chocolate shot-gunning a putrid mixture of gummy bejeweled kibble and snausages. Everywhere! No wall or cabinet was untouched. Kibble and snausage with colorful little specs was my new wall paper. Standing there in the doorway paralyzed watching my dog wimper and run, spewing poo as if he were a firefighter's hose left unattended.
And in that moment I was Sgt Elias (Willem Dafoe) in Platoon when he gets gunned down in slow motion with the heart wrenching music playing as my swan song. Round after round of doggie doo "peppering" me as I collapse to my knees. Shielding my son from the barrage..
That was the second day my dog earned the name "Peppers"
AND ANOTHER ONE>>>>>
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.
I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.
Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.
Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.
If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.
SO>>> IF you want some of these gems or want to read more of the reviews.... here is the www.
http://www.amazon.com/..._acr_txt?showViewpoints=1
