Dec 8th 2010, 3:43:42
OMG, I can't believe the treasure trove of Earth stuff I'm finding. lol I have the whole NA Epic... but here's a little taste for you old timers (circa 2000):
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Act 15 : Some Like It Moose
After a few days as her personal valet, Patience accepted groton into her entourage. There were hundreds of American admirers lured in by her charms, their hearts trapped by her enchantments, and when the final battle came, these American men would fight for her. Fight for Canada.
groton wrote quickly. He musn’t allow the Mistress of Evil to discover him snooping through her belongings. What he had found frightened him. He scribbled out a letter, placed it in the envelope with his new evidence, and carefully wrote the address of ACBA headquarters on the outside. He then printed, in large bold, letters, “PHOTOS. DO NOT BEND.”
-
Molson Canadian : Americans, for such a supposedly arrogant lot, are sure susceptible to negative psychology. I was only there for a few days, and those idiots are ready to burn down the Coors facility. What’s funny is, before I got there, they were all perfectly happy with their beer. Hell, it tasted fine to them. Then I show up, and none of ‘em know me, or have a reason to listen to me, but after I tell ‘em bunch of times they’re drinking swill, they somehow forget they enjoyed that swill before I said anything!
Jer Bu : Yankee pukes. You’ve done well Molson.
Molson Canadian : What of the others?
Jer Bu : Patience has an army of healthy American males ready to die at her request.
Molson Canadian : And The Cloaked?
Jer Bu : The Cloaked is a traitor. I received this telegraph from him just before you arrived.
“Jer Bu – I will be remaining Florida. I’ve found that I actually do enjoy sunlight, and that sometimes it’s more comfortable not to wear seven layers of wool and snow boots just to go outside and get the paper. Give up this war. Florida even has a hockey team.
----The Cloaked.”
Act 16 : Mooses
PapaFunk (whining) : The turtle shells chafe.
ZEN : Suffer through it, my pupil! Better to have thy nether regions rubbed raw, than to don something ever handled by a Canuck!
PapaFunk (bows) : This is why you are the great Prophet, wise ZEN.
ZEN : Now leave me. I must meditate and attempt to gaze into the future.
PapaFunk departs. ZEN situates himself on a mat, and begins to hum his mantra.
Mmmmdollydollydeeeeeeee..
Suddenly, his body stiffens, his eyes roll back, his fingers clutch the edges of his mat tightly, and he sees…
Devastation. Smoldering earth. Bodies broken and strewn. The immensity of the carnage sends him staggering back into consciousness.
ZEN : Well, I shan’t be leaving the house anytime soon!
Act 17 : The Moosetrix
Tar Heel didn’t know whether to rejoice, or weep. He was relieved to finally know Tirol’s battle plan, but truly worried it may be too late to save the United States. ZEN had called from the monastery, locked in his room, and babbled incessantly about some great cataclysm. bad_carpet wouldn’t stop watching Dukes of Hazard re-runs, due to his Canuck-no-vision it had become nearly the only thing he was able to see. Americans everywhere had given up beer drinking and become depressed. Young men had been disappearing in the Midwest. And now this – groton’s latest report, written in code.
“bsss. im STill here wWth mstrEssvil. Sheis lOL newaY hre isthis picHURe ifond grton”
The photograph lay face down on the table. Tar Heel couldn’t bear to look at it again. It depicted something more vile, more cruel, more insidious than anything ever before imagined.
The Canucks were cross-breeding moose with French Canadians. The resulting offspring were sure to be the most irritable, angry, and demanding beasts in creation.
Tar Heel : God help us.
-
While the brains behind America’s defense brooded, the brains Canada’s offence relaxed. All was going as planned. Judah was leading his army of war moose to the border. Patience had mobilized her zombies. Jer Bu had crushed the American ego. And now, his men had captured two defectors in Alberta.
grelk : Look, I’m telling you we have nothing to do with any of this! We like Canadians!
Tirol : Sure you do. We’re superior, why wouldn’t you like us? That doesn’t the change the fact that you are Yankee scum. Yoda!
Yoda : Yessir?
Tirol : Execute them.
Emajica : gasp!
Yoda grinned broadly as he led the luckless pair down the hall. He loved executions.
Emajica : Say, Yoda, I don’t suppose grelk and I could … well .. you know … take a quick bathroom break before we die? Together?
Yoda grinned broadlier. More broadly. His grin was more broad than before. Whatever.
Yoda (winking at grelk) : I suppose it couldn’t hurt. Oh, and you’d better close that window in there. Wouldn’t want any peeping toms!
-------------
Act 15 : Some Like It Moose
After a few days as her personal valet, Patience accepted groton into her entourage. There were hundreds of American admirers lured in by her charms, their hearts trapped by her enchantments, and when the final battle came, these American men would fight for her. Fight for Canada.
groton wrote quickly. He musn’t allow the Mistress of Evil to discover him snooping through her belongings. What he had found frightened him. He scribbled out a letter, placed it in the envelope with his new evidence, and carefully wrote the address of ACBA headquarters on the outside. He then printed, in large bold, letters, “PHOTOS. DO NOT BEND.”
-
Molson Canadian : Americans, for such a supposedly arrogant lot, are sure susceptible to negative psychology. I was only there for a few days, and those idiots are ready to burn down the Coors facility. What’s funny is, before I got there, they were all perfectly happy with their beer. Hell, it tasted fine to them. Then I show up, and none of ‘em know me, or have a reason to listen to me, but after I tell ‘em bunch of times they’re drinking swill, they somehow forget they enjoyed that swill before I said anything!
Jer Bu : Yankee pukes. You’ve done well Molson.
Molson Canadian : What of the others?
Jer Bu : Patience has an army of healthy American males ready to die at her request.
Molson Canadian : And The Cloaked?
Jer Bu : The Cloaked is a traitor. I received this telegraph from him just before you arrived.
“Jer Bu – I will be remaining Florida. I’ve found that I actually do enjoy sunlight, and that sometimes it’s more comfortable not to wear seven layers of wool and snow boots just to go outside and get the paper. Give up this war. Florida even has a hockey team.
----The Cloaked.”
Act 16 : Mooses
PapaFunk (whining) : The turtle shells chafe.
ZEN : Suffer through it, my pupil! Better to have thy nether regions rubbed raw, than to don something ever handled by a Canuck!
PapaFunk (bows) : This is why you are the great Prophet, wise ZEN.
ZEN : Now leave me. I must meditate and attempt to gaze into the future.
PapaFunk departs. ZEN situates himself on a mat, and begins to hum his mantra.
Mmmmdollydollydeeeeeeee..
Suddenly, his body stiffens, his eyes roll back, his fingers clutch the edges of his mat tightly, and he sees…
Devastation. Smoldering earth. Bodies broken and strewn. The immensity of the carnage sends him staggering back into consciousness.
ZEN : Well, I shan’t be leaving the house anytime soon!
Act 17 : The Moosetrix
Tar Heel didn’t know whether to rejoice, or weep. He was relieved to finally know Tirol’s battle plan, but truly worried it may be too late to save the United States. ZEN had called from the monastery, locked in his room, and babbled incessantly about some great cataclysm. bad_carpet wouldn’t stop watching Dukes of Hazard re-runs, due to his Canuck-no-vision it had become nearly the only thing he was able to see. Americans everywhere had given up beer drinking and become depressed. Young men had been disappearing in the Midwest. And now this – groton’s latest report, written in code.
“bsss. im STill here wWth mstrEssvil. Sheis lOL newaY hre isthis picHURe ifond grton”
The photograph lay face down on the table. Tar Heel couldn’t bear to look at it again. It depicted something more vile, more cruel, more insidious than anything ever before imagined.
The Canucks were cross-breeding moose with French Canadians. The resulting offspring were sure to be the most irritable, angry, and demanding beasts in creation.
Tar Heel : God help us.
-
While the brains behind America’s defense brooded, the brains Canada’s offence relaxed. All was going as planned. Judah was leading his army of war moose to the border. Patience had mobilized her zombies. Jer Bu had crushed the American ego. And now, his men had captured two defectors in Alberta.
grelk : Look, I’m telling you we have nothing to do with any of this! We like Canadians!
Tirol : Sure you do. We’re superior, why wouldn’t you like us? That doesn’t the change the fact that you are Yankee scum. Yoda!
Yoda : Yessir?
Tirol : Execute them.
Emajica : gasp!
Yoda grinned broadly as he led the luckless pair down the hall. He loved executions.
Emajica : Say, Yoda, I don’t suppose grelk and I could … well .. you know … take a quick bathroom break before we die? Together?
Yoda grinned broadlier. More broadly. His grin was more broad than before. Whatever.
Yoda (winking at grelk) : I suppose it couldn’t hurt. Oh, and you’d better close that window in there. Wouldn’t want any peeping toms!
I cannot see your signature - so if it's witty, put it in a post instead! :p
archaic: Patty, if it was you wearing it, I'd consider a fuzzy pink pig suit to be lingerie. Patty makes pork rock.
archaic: Patty, if it was you wearing it, I'd consider a fuzzy pink pig suit to be lingerie. Patty makes pork rock.
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